Have you ever looked at your life and wondered if this was it? Have you ever had days where you thought you were wasting your life? Have you ever wondered if you were ever going to make a difference in the world? I have. Quite often actually.
Recently I was having one of those days where I looked around and thought “How did I go from graduating college near the top of my class with a degree in Criminal Justice to basically being a maid to a 3 year old and wearing pajamas all day everyday?” I started to feel sorry for myself because my husband goes to work everyday and pays our bills while I stay at home cleaning and cooking all day. I felt like I was wasting my life and my God given talents by being a stay at home mom.
Then someone I haven’t talked to in years messaged me on facebook and asked me what I’ve been doing since I last spoke to them, and I started to say “Oh nothing. Just staying at home with my 3 year old.” But then I remembered, this isn’t all I’ve done with my life. Though some days it feels like I’ve been doing this forever it’s really only been 4 years out of the 30 I’ve been on this earth. So I had to think, what have I done with my life? And the answer led me to this blog post.
Being a stay at home mom is just the season of life that I’m in right now. There were many seasons before this one. Some were easy, and some were so incredibly hard I thought they would never end. But, like all seasons do, they did end. Just like this one will.
You see, before I was a stay at home mom I was a wife. I went to work everyday and helped my husband pay the bills. Before that season, I was a 911 dispatcher. I answered calls from people experiencing the worst season of their life and I sent them the help that they needed. I answered radio calls from police officers needing help and sent them the help they needed, insuring they made it home safe to their families at the end of our shift. I saved lives as a 911 dispatcher. Before that season, I was a firefighter. I showed up to people’s houses who would have lost everything had I not been there to put the fire out. I ran into burning buildings and pulled people to safety when everyone else was running out. I saved lives as a firefighter. Before that season, I volunteered with the local ambulance service. I was there for families as they told their loved ones a last goodbye. I was there when someone’s loved one didn’t have a heartbeat, and I did CPR on them all the way to the hospital until I got them back. I saved lives working on an ambulance.
In this season, I’m molding a life. Being a stay at home mom is by far the hardest season I’ve ever been through, but it’s also the most magical and rewarding. Some days I lose myself. Some days I find myself. Somedays I can’t wait for this season to be over. Most days I wish it would last forever. But it won’t. That’s the wonderfully scary thing about the seasons of life, they always end and lead to new seasons.
This is the most important lesson I’ve learned this year. When things are hard and it feels like things will never be right again, just hold on. A new season is coming. So now, on the days I question whether I’m wasting my life I look back at all the seasons of life I’ve been through so far, and I can take peace in knowing that if this is my last season in life I have made a difference. Maybe not to the whole world, but in a few people’s lives I have made a difference. But most importantly I’ve made a difference in the life of my daughter. I went from saving lives to molding a life and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. So, for all the stay at home mamas out there just remember, this is the most important season you’ll ever go through, and it will end long before you’re ready. On those days you feel like you’re not where you’re supposed to be, just look into the eyes of your children and remember God gave those children to you, because he knew nobody could care for them like you can. One day our children will look back on the seasons of their lives and remember this season too. They will not remember it the same way you will. While you may remember the long nights and hard days when you didn’t think you would make it, they will remember their mama holding them through the nights they were scared and the days filled with infinite play time. I know some days it’s hard to imagine being sad when this season ends and they grow up, but we will be.
Always remember that life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s mundane, routine, and ordinary. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale through the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.