Posted in Advice, Family, Kids, Kindness, Life, Love, Marriage, Motherhood, Opinions, Personal

The Seasons of Life.

Have you ever looked at your life and wondered if this was it? Have you ever had days where you thought you were wasting your life? Have you ever wondered if you were ever going to make a difference in the world? I have. Quite often actually.

Recently I was having one of those days where I looked around and thought “How did I go from graduating college near the top of my class with a degree in Criminal Justice to basically being a maid to a 3 year old and wearing pajamas all day everyday?” I started to feel sorry for myself because my husband goes to work everyday and pays our bills while I stay at home cleaning and cooking all day. I felt like I was wasting my life and my God given talents by being a stay at home mom.

Then someone I haven’t talked to in years messaged me on facebook and asked me what I’ve been doing since I last spoke to them, and I started to say “Oh nothing. Just staying at home with my 3 year old.” But then I remembered, this isn’t all I’ve done with my life. Though some days it feels like I’ve been doing this forever it’s really only been 4 years out of the 30 I’ve been on this earth. So I had to think, what have I done with my life? And the answer led me to this blog post.

Being a stay at home mom is just the season of life that I’m in right now. There were many seasons before this one. Some were easy, and some were so incredibly hard I thought they would never end. But, like all seasons do, they did end. Just like this one will.

You see, before I was a stay at home mom I was a wife. I went to work everyday and helped my husband pay the bills. Before that season, I was a 911 dispatcher. I answered calls from people experiencing the worst season of their life and I sent them the help that they needed. I answered radio calls from police officers needing help and sent them the help they needed, insuring they made it home safe to their families at the end of our shift. I saved lives as a 911 dispatcher. Before that season, I was a firefighter. I showed up to people’s houses who would have lost everything had I not been there to put the fire out. I ran into burning buildings and pulled people to safety when everyone else was running out. I saved lives as a firefighter. Before that season, I volunteered with the local ambulance service. I was there for families as they told their loved ones a last goodbye. I was there when someone’s loved one didn’t have a heartbeat, and I did CPR on them all the way to the hospital until I got them back. I saved lives working on an ambulance.

In this season, I’m molding a life. Being a stay at home mom is by far the hardest season I’ve ever been through, but it’s also the most magical and rewarding. Some days I lose myself. Some days I find myself. Somedays I can’t wait for this season to be over. Most days I wish it would last forever. But it won’t. That’s the wonderfully scary thing about the seasons of life, they always end and lead to new seasons.

This is the most important lesson I’ve learned this year. When things are hard and it feels like things will never be right again, just hold on. A new season is coming. So now, on the days I question whether I’m wasting my life I look back at all the seasons of life I’ve been through so far, and I can take peace in knowing that if this is my last season in life I have made a difference. Maybe not to the whole world, but in a few people’s lives I have made a difference. But most importantly I’ve made a difference in the life of my daughter. I went from saving lives to molding a life and I’m right where I’m supposed to be. So, for all the stay at home mamas out there just remember, this is the most important season you’ll ever go through, and it will end long before you’re ready. On those days you feel like you’re not where you’re supposed to be, just look into the eyes of your children and remember God gave those children to you, because he knew nobody could care for them like you can. One day our children will look back on the seasons of their lives and remember this season too. They will not remember it the same way you will. While you may remember the long nights and hard days when you didn’t think you would make it, they will remember their mama holding them through the nights they were scared and the days filled with infinite play time. I know some days it’s hard to imagine being sad when this season ends and they grow up, but we will be.

Always remember that life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s mundane, routine, and ordinary. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale through the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

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Posted in Advice, Family, History, Hometown, Hurricane, Kids, Life, Personal, Smalltown, South Carolina, Summer time

Hurricane Florence Update

Well y’all it has officially gotten bad. We currently can’t leave our house due to severe flooding. We have gotten 16 inches of rain as of 10am and it is supposed to continue raining until at least 2pm today. We are also under a tornado watch. We have been without power for 43 hours and it wont be back on any time soon. I sent my 3 year old to my grandma’s last night because they do have power and now I can’t get to her because the roads are flooded. Y’all please continue to pray for us. We’ve got a long way to go.

Posted in Hometown, Hurricane, Life, Personal, Smalltown, South Carolina, Summer time

Storm update.

Hey y’all! Just wanted to check in and let y’all know I’m still alive. The hurricane made land fall this morning approximately 100 miles from where I am but it’s heading this way. The wind is already blowing pretty hard with gusts up to about 30mph. This will increase dramatically as the day goes on and into tonight with the storm moving just south of us. The good thing about that is we won’t see hurricane force winds. The bad thing is we will see tropical storm force winds with an increased chance for tornadoes. They’re also predicting approximately 21 or more inches of rain because this storm is huge and expected to stall right on top of us causing continuous rain from tonight through Sunday. So that’s where we are now. I will update y’all again when I can. I don’t expect to have power after tonight but I pray I’m wrong. Please continue to keep the Carolinas in your prayers!

Posted in also scary, Family, Hometown, Life, Personal, Smalltown, South Carolina, Summer time

Storms a brewin…

Well, for the 3rd year in a row we are bracing for a major hurricane. The only difference? This one is most definitely going to hit us head on and is most definitely going to be absolutely devastating. So if you’re the praying type, please pray for the Carolinas. Having a 3 year old and knowing what’s headed this way has my anxiety through the roof. Please pray that this storm loses a lot of it’s intensity before it reaches our coast. I will keep you guys updated as much as I can.

Posted in depression, Family, Kids, Life, Motherhood, Personal, Quotes, Summer time

Quote 77!

Y’all. I can honestly say today has been one of the best days in a long time. Today we took the little love to Discovery Place Kids, and we had a blast. I played just as much as she did. For once we were doing something that we both thoroughly enjoyed. I even left my phone in the car. And tonight while we laid together getting ready to go to sleep she said “mommy I’m glad you feel better and played with me today.” To say I cried is an understatement. So, here’s to many more days like today and kicking depression’s ass.

Posted in Family, Kids, Life, Love, Motherhood, Personal

Dear Strong-Willed Child, I love you.

Dear Strong-Willed Child,

Today we had many battles, you and I. We had battles in the bath, battles over brownies, battles in the sun, and a battle while I walked you screaming and kicking back into the house. You were red and fuming, I fought back tears. We’ve had thousands of battles you and I. Today our battles were about little things. Someday they might be about curfew or boys or doing dishes. No matter what, here’s what I want you to know:

We are not defined by these battles. We are not defined by these storms, we are defined by the times I hold you tight and by the I love you’s and the kisses. We aren’t defined by hard days or hard moments, we are defined by the fact that I love you and I will never stop. We are defined by the truth that I will never give up on, or grow tired of you. You are mine forever and for always. Those moments, though they’re hard and unnerving, there’s no where I’d rather be.

Yes, sometimes inside I’m fuming. I wonder how it is possible we’ve done this so many times before. I’m embarrassed, I’m tired, and I wonder if I were better at being your mom if we wouldn’t have blow ups like this.

Sometimes I simply wilt under the disapproving glances of strangers. In my heart though? I’d do it all a million times over, my dear. I’d carry you up a hundred more flights of stairs while you’re kicking and screaming, and I’d abandon a thousand more carts in Target to take you to the car.

I choose you, in all your sweaty, screaming, kicking, fuming glory.

A lot of the time I’m stuck in now, I just want you to hold my hand to cross the street and say “okay mama” when I say “no.” Sometimes I’m simply too tired and worn out to remember my joy, but I look at you now perched on the counter eating a slice of bread and I smile.

I like you; I like your strong will.

You aren’t the kind to be deterred by one or a million consequences. Your voice is vibrant and sometimes I believe it really can’t be swallowed. That’s okay. Someday you will channel that strength into something that matters deeply to your heart.

We have all the time in the world to figure it out.

Some people might call you hard or difficult (I know I do sometimes.) Some people might wonder where I find my grace every day… but they don’t see. They don’t know that out of a sea of well-behaved children, I’d choose you again and again and again.

After a tantrum I hold you. We snuggle in my bed and you ask me to sing you a song. I breathe deeply because you smell like sunshine. You’re worth every single battle today, and every single one tomorrow.

I love you.

Mama.

Posted in Family, Kids, Life, Marriage, Motherhood, Opinions, Personal

I love you all equally and other bullshit our grandparents told us…

If your grandparents or your kids grandparents really and truly love all kids in the family the same, then this article is not for you. BUT, if you’ve seen grandparent favoritism first hand, stick around for this shit storm. In case you can’t tell I’m still pissed.

Little family backstory. My husband has 2 siblings. They each have 1 kid. His brother has a 2 year old boy and his sister has a 8 month old girl. My husband had a son when we met. He is now almost 12. We have a 3 year old daughter together.

Y’all, when I tell you his mama and daddy would walk through fire and flood for any of the above kids except mine, I am not exaggerating.

Until my niece and nephew were born my step son got all the attention. We only get him every other weekend, every other Christmas, Thanksgiving, and spring break, and 4 weeks in the summer. So I completely understand them wanting to spend as much time with him as they can. But, not once have they EVER called and asked to spend time with my daughter.

My father in law lives an hour and a half away and has driven down here on several occasions for my step son but has only come once for my daughter. It was her first birthday and he was drunk.

My mother in law lives 15 minutes away. 15 minutes! And makes damn sure she gets my step son at least once while he’s here on the weekends, leaving my daughter here crying. My niece and nephew live 4 hours away and she has driven to see them more in the last year than she has driven 15 minutes for my daughter in 3 years.

Both of his parents missed my daughter’s 3rd birthday party, after I changed the date twice upon their request!

But this weekend really set me off. My step son went to my mother in laws house Saturday night. Before we left him there we told her my daughter wanted to come the next day. She said fine. Yesterday rolls around and we start calling to see when we could bring her, because she had been begging to go since 7am. No answer. For 2 hours. My step son finally answers the phone and says “Oh well we’re going somewhere.” My mother in law then gets on the phone with my husband and is basically yelling at him because she doesn’t want my daughter to come.

What am I possibly supposed to do about this?!? She’s getting old enough to realize “Hey grandma doesn’t treat me as special as she does the other kids.” My heart is broken for her, and as her mama I’m furious. She’s an awesome kid and anyone who chooses not to see that can kiss my ass.