This week I was forced to look at myself in a completely different light. Not as someone who helps, but someone who hurts. And I can say with complete certainty that my heart has never hurt this bad. You see, I’ve always been a fixer. It’s why I’ve always wanted to be a police officer and it’s why I was a volunteer with the ambulance service and a firefighter. Helping people has always been what brings me the most joy in life. If someone comes to me with a problem I will do everything within my power to fix it, and if I can’t, I will dwell on my failure for quite a while. But knowing that I caused a problem I can’t fix for someone I love, that makes me physically sick. I didn’t know I was hurting them, and once I did I thought I could fix it. But I couldn’t and now I have to deal with it. Alone. Because I wasn’t given the chance to fix it. I wasn’t given the option to fix it. I wasn’t asked my feelings on the subject at all actually, and that’s my fault. After all i caused the pain so it’s only fair they get to walk away right? But, that doesn’t feel right. I was in just as much pain as they were but that didn’t seem to matter. My feelings didn’t matter. I let them walk away. I was willing to break my own heart for the sake of keeping theirs intact. That’s what a fixer does. We will endure as much pain as we have to, carry the world on our shoulders, and never let anyone know we’re dying inside, especially people we love. I can’t even tell them I’m sorry and that if I could do it all over again I would do it differently, because I was asked to give them space, and because that’s what was best for them I agreed. Even though it’s not what was best for me. So, if you’re reading this and you know who you are please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. I would break my own heart a million times over to keep you from feeling an ounce of pain, because I love you. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe that’s what caused all this to begin with. But we don’t get to choose who we love. I didn’t choose this.
If tomorrow starts without me, there are a few things you should know, i tried like hell to hold on, but my heart made me let go, it was broken into pieces, to beat it had lost the will, I loved you everyday, and will for everyday until, you’ll never understand, how much I had to hide, the times that I’d been beaten, the tears that I have cried, you only saw the smile, the one reserved for you, because when you said you loved me, I could feel those words ring true, so don’t be sad, please let me go, the pain was too much to bare, but feel me in the wind, as it softly blows your hair, that’s how you’ll know I’m watching, smiling that smile for you, and when you feel it i hope you hear , the “i love you” ringing through.
They say dog is man’s best friend, but I see it the other way around. Man is dog’s best friend. Think about it, they are only with us for a short time in our lives, but we are with them for their whole lives. I lost my best friend Sadie the day after Christmas and she took part of my heart with her. Losing her was extremely hard but not unexpected. She was old, she was tired, but she lived a long good life. I believe God prepared me for letting her go on Christmas day. My best friend and I were sitting on the porch talking with Sadie at my feet and out of nowhere I said “This will be Sadie’s last Christmas with us. She won’t be here much longer. She’s tired.” The very next day she went to sleep and never woke up. Although I knew it was coming my heart broke all the same. I met Sadie 7 years ago at the county pound. My husband and I went just so I could pet the animals with absolutely no intentions of getting an animal. And then I saw Sadie. Out of the 50 or so dogs jumping up and down and barking Sadie was sitting quietly in her cage just watching me. She never made a sound. When I finally got to her and knelt down, our eyes locked, and I instantly knew we belonged to each other. I felt like she was saying “What took you so long to find me?” She never barked and she never jumped up and down. She simply put her head up to the cage and licked my hand. God knew we needed each other before I even knew it myself. So, I packed her up in my lap in our 2 door Honda and made the trip home with her in my lap. From that day on we were inseperable. Her life with me wasn’t always wonderful and I wish I could go back and change the bad part.
About a month after we got her we had to move. We left her at my grandma’s house until we could fix her up a nice place at the new house because she had just had 8 puppies. The first night in our new home I got a call from a friend who worked with the sheriff’s department saying Sadie had been hit by a car but she was still alive. Of course, I was hysterical because I felt like I had failed her. I was supposed to keep her safe and I failed. Someone had gone into my grandma’s yard and let her off her chain. She ran into the highway where she was struck by a car breaking her hip. We didn’t have the money for a vet, so I was scared to death that Sadie would die. But, Sadie was a fighter. She didn’t just survive, she thrived. Giving me 7 wonderful years with her. She wasn’t just my dog, or my best friend, she was my protector. Sadie was fiercely protective of me. She chased off a potential attacker one morning when I was home alone. She could calm my anxiety attacks and she knew my heart. I loved her more than words could express and I pray she knew that. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life and I don’t think I will ever have another dog to share a connection with like her. The day I buried her, I was walking through the woods looking for the perfect spot, and I found a granite rock in the perfect shape of a heart that I made into her tombstone. I felt like that was Sadie’s way of saying “I love you, and I’m okay.” Life will go on and I will mourn but Sadie will live in my heart forever.
In honor of Angel whispers, the snow falling outside, and my grandpa I felt this fitting.
Snow has always been a magical experience for me, especially the first snow of the season. I have my grandpa to thank for showing me the magic in something so ordinary. I can remember when I was little and it would start snowing I would immediately go to his house and sit in his garage with him and just watch it come down. Not saying a word. Words took away from the magic. If you’ve ever been outside while it was snowing you’ve experienced this magic whether you realized it or not. The magic of snow comes from the silence. Before it even starts you can tell it’s coming because the world goes quiet. It feels as is everything and everyone in the world has stopped and are collectively holding their breath because they know something magical is about to happen. And then the snow starts. The world is still quiet except for one thing, angel whispers. If you listen very carefully you can hear the snow hitting the ground. That sound is what my grandpa called angel whispers. I lost my grandpa when I was 11 years old but every year without fail I go outside during the first snow of the season and let the angel whispers surround me. Because in that moment he’s there with me watching and listening. So the next time it snows go outside, be extremely quiet, and just experience the magic happening around you.
This quote comes from one of my favorite trilogies… Twilight.
Childhood is not from birth to a certain age, and at a certain age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.